The Last Days of a Spirit Baby pregnancy

I’ve waited for this child since August of 2017, when they first came to me and stated I was their mother. We’ve conversed on multiple occasions, we know each other well. Baby is finally in utero – just about ready to arrive! The journey has been incredible – the end teaching me the greatest lessons of humbleness, patience, and how to adjust.

In the last moments of pregnancy, life can be a whirlwind. So many hormones flowing, so many emotions being felt, and all the bodily changes that we see come with it. Everything is uncertain, things are changing, and we have no control over when or exactly how the ride will go. We know the dynamic in the home will soon change, because no one is pregnant forever – we just cannot know when. We are waiting on a delivery with no guaranteed “delivered by” date. What a learning experience!

It leaves many women open and vulnerable, myself included. The end of pregnancy is a part of birth, if you ask me. An important part of the transition to motherhood – be it baby number 1 or number 9. I am a different person in this transition season, going through the shifting of hormones, and seeing so many bodily changes. It’s only the beginning of the transformation that will occur on birthing day and there forward!

My body is adjusting to this new life we will live with, a new very dependent infant. My mind is waking my body in the night, giving me energy and alertness – all on its own. It is preparing me for the days I will need to wake with a nursing infant. How neat that my body knows to wake me, and get used to waking, in order to prepare for this transition! My uterus is contracting, regularly, practicing for the big marathon we will take on in a matter of days/weeks. My body is doing all the things necessary to efficiently bring my baby to me.

I’m so over pregnancy, if we are being honest. I am huge, my stretch marks are changing colors, and showing in places they never have. I can’t get comfortable often at all, my body aches, and I’m just as tired as a newborn – I swear. I am failing at keeping up with housework, my patience as a mother is insanely low, I am easily annoyed/angered/bothered. These are all normal feelings, and I know that. Worldly stresses are a huge contribution to this. Trying to keep up with normal life while in this vulnerable phase of waiting is hard! I’ve been cutting out energies left and right to help. Social media and the energy that it offers, communication with most people, and interactions outside of my home have been removed entirely. I am trying to preserve my mentality the best I can as we are in this transition. In this time of “When is this baby going to come?”, I am trying to be positive and enjoy as much as I can.

I find myself sitting, looking down at my 40 week gestation belly, watching this fully developed infant wiggle around. I’ve never been pregnant this long before, this is new territory for me. I am trying my best to enjoy this intimate and vulnerable time in pregnancy. I will miss this belly – I will miss the flips, kicks, and hiccups one day. I try to pay attention to and note all of the changes I am experiencing. The discharge, the heat flashes, the lack of patience, the change in bowl movements, feeling nauseous, waking in the night, all of the things that happen in the end of pregnancy. I’m trying to enjoy all that this journey has to offer. I’m trying my best to stop thinking about “when?” and replace it with enjoying the “NOW”.

It is definitely a learning experience, as all pregnancies have been for me. Each one with a different lesson to offer. This pregnancy has taught me so much humility, patience, and showed me the kind of mother I am, and what changes need to be made so I can improve. This has been the most transformative pregnancy thus far, out of 4. As this child’s spirit has told me before conception, this pregnancy and birth will change me. This spirit child has not failed to keep their promise! I have transformed drastically and will continue to in our journey through birth and postpartum.

I may be tired and “ready” but I appreciate and enjoy the journey. I am thankful for all of the lessons of patience and slowing down time. I am most thankful for the ability to enjoy the “NOW”, disregarding the man-made calendar as we pass 40 weeks. I will meet my spirit baby soon, whatever ‘soon’ is for this little one.

Here is to something new!

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